Happy Mother's Day

Here is a picture of the beautiful roses that Jemma and the BHW got me for Mother's Day!  This holiday is a wonderful day for me now that I have Jemma and she is so excited for it to be Mother's Day, but it is also a sad time for me because I don't have my mom with me anymore.  She passed away right before Mother's Day and it is always hard on me, but sometimes it is even harder because I have a daughter now and I have so many questions for her.

My mom was a vibrant, fun, beautiful woman with the clearest blue eyes you have ever seen.  I remember her dressing up for fancy parties and I just thought she looked like an angel.  One dress in particular was a aqua blue sheath with a flowing poncho style top that almost looked like butterfly wings.  She probably wore that when I was three or four, but I will never forget it.  She loved to shop and loved to dress up.

My mom was smart.  Her IQ was over 180 and as a teacher now, I see so many things that she did that was completely in the gifted range.  When she would get on her new "crazes", I would get to learn along too.  We explored ancient Egypt together, the Civil War, the Bible, other religions... so many things that she taught me.  She loved to read and gave that special gift to me.  I read every night before bed just like she did.

She loved old movies.  We would watch them all the time.  We loved Gone with the Wind.  It was our all time favorite!  With her, I learned to love dancing, big band music, and the true art of romance.  Thank you Tyrone Powell, Dana Andrews, Fred Astaire, Clark Gable... oh the list goes on!

She loved me.  She did.  As I got older, it was difficult.  My mom suffered from depression and from alcoholism.  She tried her best, but she just did not have control over it.  We went through a spell where we didn't see each other or speak to each other, but I loved her and she loved me.  We worked it out.  I didn't agree with her lifestyle or her choices, but I loved her.

When I was in college, we grew very close.  I talked to her everyday... multiple times.   I lived an hour and a half away, but tried to see her when I could and she would come to see me.  The day I graduated from high school, she was so proud of me , but the day I got married, she was glowing.  She loved me and she loved that I loved someone.

About 2 years after I got married, she got very sick.  The years of abusing her body had taken its toll.  Her husband had troubles of his own and was not there.  I took care of her.  I didn't mind, but it was hard being newly married, new job, graduate school and caring for someone who lived  a half hour away.  She got sicker and sicker.  I knew I needed help and had to put her in a nursing home.  The day she went, she was in her right mind and it was the absolute worst day of my life.  She was only 53.  I sat in the car after leaving her and cried for an hour.  I felt guilt like you will never know, but I didn't know what else to do.  She needed the care that I couldn't give her.  She did well there for a while and became great friends with the staff.  I would go see her every day or other day and we had the best talks.  We talked about everything.  She even apologized to me for the poor choices she had made as she knew it had taken her from me through the years and was going to take her away from me very soon.  Those words meant so much to me.  She knew I loved her and had done my best and I knew that she loved me and had done her best.

As spring came in 1997, all the flowers bloomed and grew, but my mom began to fade.  As she slipped into a coma state, I sat by her side and talked to her.  I think she hung on for as long as she could because she didn't want to leave me.  I didn't want her to leave, but I told her one night, "Let it go Mom and be at peace.  I have someone who will always take care of me.  I am o.k. and I love you so much."  I received a call the next morning that she had passed.  Even in her last moments, she was thinking of me and worried about me because she loved me.

For years, I would think, "I need to call mom and tell her that."  I don't do that anymore, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  She would have loved to hear about our adventures in Europe.  She would have rejoiced the day Jemma was born and spoiled her rotten.   I wish she were her to see Jemma.  As much as she loved me, I think she would love this baby even more.  She is Jemma's guardian angel and Jemma will tell you that.  The other day we were talking and she asked me if I was excited to go to heaven and see Judy.  I told her that I was because I miss her.  Jemma said I can't WAIT to go and meet my grandma!  I hope it is many many years from now, but I can't wait for her to meet her either.  There will be a love between those two like none other!  We love her and she loves us.

I wish each of you a Happy Mother's Day.  May you have a day filled with happiness and most of all... love!